Saturday, March 6, 2010

One [Excruciatingly Long and Painful] Moment, Please

You know what job I want? Choosing the music that plays when you're on hold. It's like in 1983 a lover of soft jazz and funky piano riffs took complete control of all music tracks for phone "on hold" tunes. He probably owns all of Kenny G's records and really enjoys riding in department store elevators. The worst is when the hold music is trying to be semi up-to-date but it sounds like it's being streamed off a low-quality youtube video through a dial-up connection. If anyone has a mac or ipod or iphone and has tried calling the apple help line, you probably know what I'm talking about. (Side note - when I'm wanting to talk to someone because my Mac just blew up, it doesn't make me any happier when your automated voice on the hold line goes: "Sick of being on hold? Visit our website to solve your problem!" Okay. Do you think that I'd be holding on for an hour if my issue could be resolved by going onto your website and just restarting?!?!?! Alright, tangent over.)

Anyway, sometimes I'll have to call one of our sister offices and I'll be put on hold - ugh. No wonder our patients are so angry. First, the whole thing is just an advertisement the whole time about our offices. I'm sure that when our patients are put on hold for 15 minutes after we've already messed ups ending their chart somewhere or the wax in their ear is building up again or they've got some hardcore post-nasal drip going on, listening to an ad telling them how great we are probably doesn't help that. Also, my least favorite is when the soothing woman robot voice says "Now with evening and weekend hours for your added convenience!" Yes. For my convenience. Because I love coming in at 8 am and leaving at 7 pm. And being pushed to work Saturdays. I may as well set up a cot in the break room, or maybe right near the Medical Assistant station so I can dip into some of our prescription free samples late at night. Who wants whiskey when you could have unlimited Nasonex?

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