Monday, March 8, 2010

Into the Dark Side with Those People

[I wrote this this morning, it's not totally about work, sorry. You'll get over it.]

Got to work a little early today, and it's Monday which means nobody is going to be at the office until 9:00, and it's 8:12 so just my luck. Why is it that you only arrive early for things at the most inconvenient times? So now I'm at Starbucks sitting on a leather couch, being one of those kinds of people - you know, the kind that sips on their green tea lattes wile sitting on a leather couch, and writing in a small notebook in Starbucks. Yup. I hate those kinds of people.

OW HOLY FUCK THAT DRINK IS HOT! I think I just eliminated a few taste buds and am starting the process of burning off my fingerprints by holding this cup. Well I guess if I wanted to fulfill my lifelong dream of knocking over a liquor store I'd be set. Would just have to remember not to go barefoot so they didn't have my toe-prints. Protective cardboard sleeve my ass.

Okay I can't decide if this green tea latte is totally delicious or absolutely disgusting. I love green tea, and lattes are okay, so I thought combining the two would come out to something I could groove with. Reminds me of something Jim Gaffigan said: "You know you're a pig when you eat something that's disgusting, but you don't notice it until the last bite. 'Well that wasn't even good! I'm gonna have to eat something else to get that taste out of my mouth!'" I keep sipping it with trepidation, waiting for the signal in my brain to swing me to either chug it down like I would a long island iced tea, or to puke it up like I would after too many long island iced teas. It kind of tastes like green tea ice cream.. only liquid, and hot, and slightly foamy, and a hint of mystery ingredient.

There's a guy who works here who is the happiest Starbucks worker I have ever seen. He wears that black and green visor with pride, along with the matching apron, polo and pin. I think he should add more pieces of flair to his ensemble. They could say something like "I'll fill you up with my hot foam" or something equally innuendo-esque and be pinned all across his chest and rotund belly. I don't see how this guy gets it up in the morning. I mean, I don't even work here and I'm trying to go into my zen state as to not completely lose it over someone asking if I can pass a packet of sugar in the raw. But this guy, wow. He's chatting up every Tom, Dick and Jane that comes through this place all the while saying things like "Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!" or "Working hard? Or hardly working?" with a slight chuckle. Yeah, I'm making my life into the movie Office Space, what? He doesn't even seem to be bothered by the people who show up at 7 am in their workout gear, foreheads glistening in that tan greek god kind of way, talking about the 5 mile run they just did because they're training for a marathon, and could they have their vienti double non-fat machiatto slight foam no whip fuck me in the ass latte.

I don't think I've ever used the word "foam" as frequently as I have this morning. Makes me feel like I should be writing a porno flick. The best kind with just enough story to be considered a "film" but definitely gets down to the hardcore stuff after a muscly guy delivers a pizza and that airy 70s synthesizer music comes on. I mean hey, if this whole doctor's office thing doesn't work out, I think I've got a real career option there.


  1. speaking of porno flick "I don't see how this guy gets it up in the morning." prby does it like every other guy. Through great concentration.

  2. I think that you are totally hilarious and funny and I love reading the things that you write. If only you had a vlog. Keep up the writing miss.